Embarrassment and White Guilt

Am I a Citizen of the World, or Culturally Insensitive?

Walking past this building, I said to myself, “I’ll have to eat at this restaurant one of these nights”.

"iman.org" wasn't actually painted on the parking lot ground

Then I noticed the sign on the building: “IMAN Cultural Center”. Embarrassment and white guilt followed.

Things That Are Hard to Believe About Judge Vaughn Walker

On Wednesday, California Federal Judge Vaughn Walker ruled Proposition 8 unconstitutional. But who is Vaughn Walker? Here’s a list of the things I recently learned about Walker that are hard to believe:

• Walker is a Republican
• Walker is gay
• There is such thing as a gay Republican
• He’s not taken – Seriously ladies, why haven’t you jumped all over this guy?

What a catch

Hicks: Like Hipsters, but Without iPhones

I’m not new to destructive redneck behavior. After all, I did grow up in Lodi, California, a town know for crazy, white trash idiots, and for being the inspiration for the Creedence Clearwater Revival song “Lodi (is Full of Crazy, White Trash Idiots)”. But a yard sale I saw Friday in sophisticated Culver City really took the hillbilly cake.

The most delicious C-section ever

Some of the unsurprisingly insane things at this bazaar included:

• The man conducting all business shirtless
• His lady friend complaining as she scratched off “the worst lotto tickets in my life”
• The trailer they likely live out off
• The “yard” of said yard sale being in the parking lot of a medical marijuana dispensary
• While demonstrating the power of an aluminum bat, the gentleman hit a softball onto the freeway

Lesson learned: Instead of screening Major League players for steroids, we need to start testing them for bathtub moonshine.

Or that I met the designated hitter

for the next MLB expansion team

A Wise Tagline Once Said: Life is for Living

Don’t read the title yet, because it’s a major plot twist in this story.

Yesterday was one of my more crippling-depressiony days: I ran out of milk, bit my tongue, and found out that Law & Order had been cancelled two months ago.

“I swear”

Naturally, I decided to kill myself. So down I went to Bob’s Noose and Prescription Painkiller Shoppe, but alas, it’s closed on Wednesdays. This made me more depressed, and therefore, in a cruel twist of fate, more suicidal.

I wondered if my choice was a bit brash, so as I walked, I looked for a sign to show me I was wrong about the meaninglessness of life. At the corner, a tough gang-banger helped an old woman onto the bus; across the street, a man pulled a baby from a runaway stroller, saving it from a speeding truck; in front of me, models handed out free tickets to the blowjob booth at AdultCon. Nope, I couldn’t find a single thing to compel me to give life one more shot. Off a-suicidin’ I went.

But then, salvation appeared to me, in the form of a bus stop poster for the upcoming Zac Efron film, Charlie St. Cloud:

Specifically, salvation appeared as the tagline on this poster, “Life is for living”. Never before had I heard a mantra for existence put so elegantly. It was simple, yet, philosophically, as deep as Zac Efron’s emerald green eyes. Just four simple words: Life. Is. For. LIVING. Mind you, I have no desire to actually see Charlie St. Cloud. From everything I know about the film (see above poster), I assume it’s a cross between The Notebook and Smallville, minus Rachel McAdams and superpowers (basically, the only two things I will watch, read, or join a message board for).

I’ve spent countless hours with this picture.

But I do owe a “thank you” to Charlie St. Cloud: The Poster for giving me a new lease on life. The least everyone who reads this can do is go and buy a ticket to Charlie St. Cloud: The Movie.

Plus, Ray Liotta’s in the movie, so hopefully, it won’t be totally gay.

Totally Hottttt Pic!

I snapped a photo of this ladder naked while it was in the changing room.